Do you believe you are loved? Truly and deeply loved?
When I believe I am loved by someone, I feel freedom to be me. All of it. Good, bad and the ugly. If I believe I am truly and deeply loved by God, I feel free to be me. I don’t have to tiptoe around my heart, afraid that if it comes out He’ll smite me. But lately, God’s voice has been muddied by well intended voices and I don’t feel free to be me.
Becca, maybe you just need to do this…
Becca, maybe you should think about this….
Becca, maybe you should ask forgiveness for this…
Becca, maybe you just need to examine your heart…
Becca, maybe you should try this…
Becca, you take things too personally…
Becca, get over yourself…
Work harder. Bend lower. Try more.
I am exhausted from trying. I was sharing with a friend my weariness and my doubts: “Is this what God is saying to me? If so, I can’t do this anymore. I’ll never measure up.”
She replied, “Have you ever thought about the fact that God is never in a bad mood?”
I sat there for a second and said, “Not really. But what does that have to do with discerning His voice?”
“Everything. God loves you. God delights in you. God finds you beautiful, inside and out. Newsflash: God isn’t surprised by your sin. But first you’ve gotta believe that He wants you to come to Him. He isn’t like, ‘Ohhhhhhhh dang it. Becca’s broken again. I can’t handle this. Don’t come to me until you can get your stuff together.’ “
I sat there and craughed for a long while.
(Craughing is my favorite pastime — crying and laughing simultaneously.)
“Maybe God doesn’t want to teach you something right now. Maybe He just wants you to come to Him and He wants to love you.”
The story of Job in the Bible is about a man’s suffering and what it teaches him about God. Guess what Job’s friends were telling him? All the right answers. Guess what Job needed? Not all the right answers. Job knew the right answers. Job needed God himself. I don’t need all the right answers. I need God himself. I need to know and believe that He loves me. And trust me, Job repents. But first, Job goes from from knowing about God to seeing God.
“My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you.” Job 42:6
I want to believe that I am truly and deeply loved by God. Even more, I want to see God. Maybe first I have to let all my pain ooze out and grieve. Maybe I can’t be filled up until I’m first emptied. I’m so grateful that I can let it all out before my Father. I am so glad that when I feel like I am too much, too wrong, too angry, too hurt for everyone else.
I am never too much for my Father. I don’t have to work anymore. I can be me. I can cry out. I can scream a little. And then I can be quiet and wait eagerly for the voice of my Father.