Something was missing. Samm was living the LGBT lifestyle, trying to find that something, but it wasn’t working.
Samm’s story starts in the Catholic church. Sort of. Samm was raised Catholic, but her parents did not talk about Jesus or practice any faith. She was taught it was okay to be spiritual but not religious.
Samm’s father walked out of her life when she was just seven. Her mom remarried but divorced six months later, and Samm wondered if there was something wrong with her that made all the men in her life leave. Hoping to compensate for her apparent shortcomings, she strove to gain her mom’s love and acceptance and tried to be the perfect child—great at school and well-behaved at home.
When Samm got to college, exhausted by the pretense, she hit a rebellious streak. She fell in with a crowd that accepted her, enticed her and captivated her. These women loved Samm. They wouldn’t leave her or abuse her. They accepted her. The LGBT lifestyle offered something she had been longing for—something she thought would fill the hole in her heart.
But tumultuous relationships with women, partying, drinking and popping pills accompanied this LGBT lifestyle. Eventually she was put on academic probation because of cutting class and had to steal money from the organization she worked with in order to support her lifestyle. The threat of expulsion and discovery was too much. She called her mom and left during spring break, never to return.
Settling Down to LGBT
Then Samm moved home and met a woman fifteen years older who had a nine-year-old son. It was exactly what she wanted. She thought that’s what had been missing, and being a wife and mother was what she needed. Samm threw herself into the relationship, devoting her heart to her new role.
The LGBT relationship did many things for her. It moved her from Texas to Virginia, where she found a job as a director at the YMCA, and it gave her a son, whom she loved dearly. Despite all the good, the new LGBT life gave her more drama and a bigger hole to fill. Numerous affairs between the LGBT couple resulted in mistrust, anger, resentment and hurt. Samm poured herself into her work and found solace in success. Meanwhile, the hole was still there.
Spiritual Band-Aids of LGBT and Wicca
Samm questioned her unhappiness, and thinking the problem was a spiritual one, she searched for a source to fill her spiritual need. Assuming she would not be accepted in a Christian church because of her LGBT lifestyle, she turned to Wicca, a modern witchcraft religion.
The practice of Wicca was addicting. It offered her the something more she had been looking for. Tolerant of the LGBT community, Wicca empowered women and encouraged the things Samm believed in most. And though she placed her hope in their gods, rituals and rites of passage, fulfillment remained elusive.
And soon after, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
Any pretense of maintaining her wife and mother role disintegrated as she left one woman for another. The allure of Wicca soon faded, and she ceased regular Wiccan practices. The breakup of her LGBT marriage took her back to Texas.
Meeting Jesus in the Closet
Enter Amber. They met while working together at the YMCA in Texas. Amber was different, and something about her drew Samm in. She was a Christian, but she loved and accepted Samm and her partner as friends. She did not judge or condemn them for their LGBT lifestyle.
At a party, Samm dragged Amber into a closet and asked her why she was different from all the other Christians she had met. In the closet, Amber explained the Gospel. It was the first time Samm had heard about Jesus, His death on the cross, how He rose from the dead and how He died to offer hope to all sinners – and we’re all sinners.
Samm went into the closet to meet Jesus for the first time. And she wanted in.
But it was a conditional in, Samm said. She told Amber and God she would believe as long as she could keep her LGBT lifestyle and not go to church.
“Okay,” Amber said.
“What made you say okay?” Samm asked.
“It isn’t something to lose a relationship over,” Amber said. She knew that if God wanted Samm to change her LGBT lifestyle, then He would work it out. He is the One who can change hearts.
At that moment, Samm knew she was a Christian. And she loves Amber dearly for the way she responded to her.
Now it was up to God to do the sanctifying.
Jesus and LGBT
For the next year and a half, Samm had a half-and-half relationship with Jesus. She loved the idea of Jesus; she even occasionally read the Bible and prayed. But she was resistant to surrendering completely to Jesus and letting Him transform her. She was consumed by her LGBT relationships and her job.
But God began to break down those idols in her life so He could heal her and fill the hole she felt for so long. Work was no longer fulfilling, frustrations arose and Samm’s close friendship with Amber was strained by some silly argument, making work uncomfortable. Her reliance on even that good relationship was misplaced. She still felt something was wrong in her heart.
Then, Samm’s step-dad—the one man who loved her and did not abandon her—passed away. She realized she had nothing to depend on. No friendship, no LGBT relationship, no job and no father. She finally reached the breaking point. She found herself alone and unable to keep the facade any longer. Face down on the ground, she at last gave everything to God.
And when she did, she was flooded with instant peace.
Something More than LGBT
God quickly started filling the hole she had been trying to fill with all the wrong things. He restored Samm’s friendship with Amber and assured her that He would supply friendship for her. Then after stumbling upon Romans 1, Samm began to be convicted about her LGBT lifestyle. God gently let her know the LGBT lifestyle was not in line with His design for His children and not what He wanted for Samm.
Breaking up her LGBT marriage was the hardest thing to do. Her family had grown close to her LGBT partner, and she detested the heartache she caused for the woman she loved. She didn’t want to hurt the people closest to her, but she knew she had to obey God’s call. And, her family lovingly affirmed her decision.
“It’s okay. We’ve seen the change in you. We can see how much God loves you. We can trust the love that God has for you. We love you enough to let you go.”
Samm realized her whole life had been a search for something to fill the empty space inside her heart. And everything felt under control until everything she hoped in failed. But God met her—in a closet— and filled the holes with what was missing: a relationship with Jesus, the only One who can set us all free.
God transformed Samm’s heart. Now she fully desires to have a husband and a family. Hearing that from a previously career-oriented woman who led a LGBT lifestyle and dabbled in Wicca is nothing short of a miracle.