275 || Prude And Prejudice: My Struggle With Sex

I have always been a private person when it comes to…you know…s-e-x.

For nearly 18 years, this topic has been a sore spot and area of constant struggle in my marriage. I feel so alone sometimes, like we are the only Christian people with an ice-cold intimate life. If not for our faith in Christ, we would lose it. All of it. I have tried to analyze why I have such feelings of disgust and guilt about it. Oftentimes, the best way for me to figure out why is to look back at the past.

Maybe It Was Early Influence

My parents meant well when they raised me to think that boys only wanted one thing and that good girls waited until they were married to have “you know what.” They were very protective of me, but they often assumed I was out messing around with boys. I remember I went to the mall one time. When I returned home, they asked me about my day. But before the conversation was over, my dad had decided I’d found somewhere to go to make out with some boy. All I’d done was shop and hang out with my friends!

I wore confusing looks of nervousness and fear when my parents grilled me. Because of my guilty-conscience face, they frequently thought I’d been up to no good. Football games, movies, and sleepovers often ended with arguments about what boy I’d been with. I didn’t even have that many guys interested in me to start with!

Maybe It Was Desire

While I know these accusations had an effect, I am not altogether sure when the topic became dirty in my mind. Maybe one negative event after another turned that wrong thinking into a raging, sex-hating beast.

Over the years I have realized that I have never been comfortable with desire. I battle repulsion for the feelings because they seemed to show up unannounced, and they seemed beyond my control. I decided I would fix that problem by training my brain and my body to block those feelings whenever they came. Problem solved, right? Wrong.

I took a break from the blocking technique when I met my now husband. There was no lack of desire between us, and I wasn’t derailed by any of the negative thoughts I’d once had. I let my guard down, and those desires took their natural course for a while. I was convinced that when we married, we would have more-than-healthy relations.

We fell into physical sin at times. I was newly saved, and this caused problems with my faith at its core.  Guilt reignited and weighed heavily on me. And just like that, the struggle reemerged.

Here we are, 18 years later. We are still in a rut that only worsened on our wedding night. There have been glimmers of healthy, godly interaction between us, but I have trouble remaining consistent.

It’s Grace—A Work in Progress

Over the years, I have learned that God is not separate from intimacy. I used to see Him outside the door, but now I let Him in the room, so to speak. I also search the Word for guidance on the subject. After all, He made marriage, and sex was His idea. Who better to seek out to get a right perspective on the matter?

I talk to the Lord about it, even in the act. I know that the marriage relationship is a reflection of Him, and He desires for marriage to illustrate the beauty of the Gospel. I have to remind myself that God is my help in all things—even in this.

My husband is a pillar of grace in this plight. He suffers the most, and he feels rejected by me. When we fight over sex, I know that it does not honor God. Instead, it drives the wedge deeper, separating my husband and me, and it further mars what God intended our relationship to be. I am so thankful that my husband is a believer, and when I reflect on the understanding he offers despite his own struggles, I am reminded of the hope we have in Jesus Christ.

So, no happy ending to report here, as our story is still a work in progress. Though we aren’t healed yet, I hope so much that I will someday know what God has in mind for this special relationship between my husband and me. I truly do want to experience sex in the way God meant for it to be in my marriage.

Still Figuring It Out

I am trying to live by these verses on relationship, not only for our struggle in the bedroom, but for our marriage and life as a whole:

Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. (Philippians 2:5-6)

I think way too highly of myself most of the time. I have a battle to fight in my mind every moment. I am not so naive to think that Christ was full of desire to suffer and die on the cross. Instead, Jesus emptied Himself. He had something greater in mind than His own physical struggle—love.

In order to be a wife that can truly meet the needs of her husband, I will have to abandon all of my inhibitions and submit myself to God’s design for our marriage. The essence of all that God is accomplishing all of the time is to demonstrate His glorious love to us. I can always rejoice in that hope, even though my circumstances appear completely hopeless.

I desire to be an instrument in His hands to demonstrate that same love to my husband, family, and those He sends to my life!



  1. Christy, your feelings are not uncommon. Over the past 32 years I’ve heard it all from other wives. I always thought the first question I would ask God in heaven is, why for heaven’s sake did you make men and women with such opposing sex drives. While studying His Word He revealed to me the answer. Jesus came to us and modeled the perfect example of sacrifice. If men and women had the same sex drives, what on earth would we learn? There would be no give and take. Mutual submission, is mutual sacrifice. Giving up your needs for your partners and vise versa.
    You are so transparent. I know your words are healing for many who struggle.

  2. I expect that just the fact that you are working on this does a lot to give your husband hope and make him feel that he really does matter to you and you love him. Keep going, the joy of a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with one’s spouse is fantastic and you will get there.

  3. Awesome Christy,
    I love your vulnerability. There is truth and power here. I love how you are speaking out. Freedom. All I can think of is freedom. You are bringing it. Cheering you on from the #RaRalinkup on Purposeful Faith.

  4. I’m not sure I understand the point this article is trying to make; there’s no real guidance offered only supposition on the why the writer is having issues. I applaud the transparency about the problem, but feel like it falls short of offering real practical help for others, other than the point the first comment made about she’s not alone in this struggle and that Christ should be the answer to the problem not outside of it. I would love to hear more about how bringing these issues to Christ is impacting the situation and resolving it.

    Another point of contention for me is that men and women have differing sex drives…all people have differing drives. In my marriage, I desire sex 2-3 times a week; I get it about once a month. I’m one of those women who wishes my husband had more desire for intimacy and my marriage has been a struggle because of it. Sexual dis-function is not just something women struggle with, men also struggle as well.

  5. So I see you didn’t publish my comment…that’s fine, but I am VERY disappointed that you only publish comments that agree with your article’s point of view. I’ve been reading other articles throughout the day wondering if I should subscribe to Shattered and there are absolutely no challenging comments on any of the articles…just words of praise. Very shallow…

    • Thanks for your comments, Brandi. We have a small team of people doing a lot of tasks here at Shattered, so sometimes comments don’t get published right away. Sorry for the delay! We have now published all your comments to date. Thanks!

        • Brandi – just wanted to weigh in and let you know that my hope for Shattered is that this would be a place where healthy, constructive and honest dialogue would take place. As long as it isn’t profanity or personal attacks on an individual, we will push the envelope and publish what people say. 🙂 Thanks for being a part of our story. We appreciate your willingness to get involved. ~ Rachael

  6. I, too, had parents exactly like Christy, and I, too, never had boys interested in me but a dad who always thought I was sneaking around.
    I was different only in that I struggled with lust my whole life. When I met my now husband we struggled with some physical sin as well, but we waited to go all the way till our wedding day.
    I would say I’m typical. Not too strong, not too weak of a libido.

    It can be difficult to go from people shaming you your whole life about sex to magically it’s not only ok, but you’re supposed to do it… every few days! That can be a stretch. I would say to you, Christy, and all those that feel this way, that because of the sexual revolution Christians have gone to the other extreme of making people feel bad for their own God-given sexuality. And that’s human nature. To go to extremes. And that’s sad.

    The devil’s main goal is to destroy the world. How can he do this? One family at a time. The family is God’s hope for man kind! And if the devil can rip apart a marriage, then he has succeeded in slowly ripping apart a generation. And your marriage is under fire from Satan himself! Consider it a compliment that the Devil wants to ruin your marriage through total intimacy with your husband because of all the good you two can do together! But also, I would encourage you to seek counseling on this, because no one is above marriage counselling. Sex is the most important thing in a married couple’s lives: to be completely known! Sex is invented by God, the devil perverted it. Sex is beautiful, wonderful, fulfilling, mysterious, and meant to be enjoyed. If you feel anything besides wonder and excitement, then that is not you, that is an attack on your marriage from the enemy.

    Everything God created for humans was to explain to us His love for us. It all has a purpose! So, he created animals to show us His connections with the angels. He created children to show us His love for Jesus and how hard it was to watch Him tortuously die. He created parents to teach us how it is to respect, honor, fear, and yet love and have an intimate relationship with God the Father.

    But then, God saw it WASN’T GOOD for man to be alone and a virgin. So he created woman, while at the same time inventing sex, and He saw it was GOOD. Not just woman, but intimacy for man! He wanted man (the species) to experience what it means to KNOW God. When you read “Adam knew his wife” it means he intimately knew every part of her, inside…. and out. It’s the closest you can be to someone. To be completely vulnerable with another person. God wanted to show us exactly what it feels for the God head to KNOW us, and for us to KNOW Him. He wanted to illustrate it for us. He could’ve let humans procreate any way… cloning, separating like some one-celled organisms do… but He chose to do it the way He did (man He has quite the imagination, doesn’t He?!) to show us what He wants us to do with Him!
    Eph 5:28-32
    So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body,[a] of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

    I know you know all this. But it never hurts to hear it again from someone you don’t know, right? I highly recommend talking to a counselor with your hubby. It’s vital to your marriage 🙂

  7. “My parents meant well when they raised me to think that boys only wanted one thing and that good girls waited until they were married to have “you know what.”

    Boys only want one thing? That is disgusting sexism right there. This society disgusts me with it’s casual discrimination against males.


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