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105 || Show Up

I was driving to a party on New Year’s Eve. It was “cocktail attire” so I was looking schnazzy. I was giving myself a pep talk on how brave I am…because I was driving across town alone.

New Year’s Eve.

Sigh.

I wish that I were about to tell you how I proved myself true: brave, courageous, bold.
Oh, but no. Get ready for a good laugh and an inner “bless her heart.”

I drove past the house and kept on driving. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car! Embarrassing Oops. #whydidyougetdressedupforthat?

I was recounting the story to a friend and she could barely get the words out through her laughter (with tears in her eyes). “Did they see you drive by?”

Heavens, I hope not. Then I couldn’t stop laughing.

The truth is, 2013 felt more like surviving than living. Sometimes we feel that way when pain shows up like a weed and tries to strangle us to death. And sometimes, we are so worn that we just lay there. I’ve been laying here for a while. My biggest shock of 2013: God will meet you in the weeds. He’ll even let you make a little home there for a while, lay there with you, send you rain, send you friends, send you help.

And you know what the help keeps telling me? Get. Up.

For what? To embarrass myself and circle around a house that I never enter?

Yes. Maybe.

As I was driving home, I remembered hearing about a church in my neighborhood having a New Year’s Eve prayer service.

I found myself in a church on New Year’s Eve at midnight.

There I went, like Old Man Marley in Home Alone, into the church. I walked in and sat down, wide eyed at the solemness of the moment. A woman played piano but it seemed like she was in another room and the music was being carried over to us, like there were angels carrying each note over to me and pouring them over my head like a bucket a water. I just closed my eyes and leaned my head back and let them wash me – the notes and the angels.

I honestly couldn’t pray too much. Just little stutters, like Morse code. God and I have been in counseling, and I think He was just a little surprised to see me voluntarily show up to a meeting on my own.

I didn’t see a vision. I didn’t have some crazy spiritual epiphany and find direction for 2014. I just showed up.

At least I got out the car and walked in here, God.

We both laughed for a good while, then I just sang myself into a new day, a new year.

 

3 Comments

  1. totally done the drive by. at least you ended up in a church. i ended up at home with ice cream and some episodes of gossip girl.

    thanks for sharing, becca!

    Reply

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